Thursday, November 17, 2011

Finding Normal Again

I am struggling with "normal".  Going through a change in life's patterns is disruptive, and then the task of finding "normal" again becomes a real challenge.  Without my husband or my Mom, who lived with us for the last 2 1/2 years of her life, around me daily, is not normal.  The normal that I had was not particularly pleasant a lot of the time.  The days that Gary would get angry and leave the house and I would follow closely behind him for fear he would not be able to find his way back home or when my Mom began to fall more and her trips to the hospital became more & more frequent, was not pleasant, but it was normal.  Being the care-giver was my normal.  And yes, I guess I miss that in some ways.  It gave my life purpose and meaning.  Now with both of them no longer with me, I am trying to find normal, purpose, balance.  Living alone for the first time ever in my life is not normal for me.  I will have to admit, that living alone is becoming a pleasant experience.  I am not afraid, I am comfortable in my home, it's really not too big, or too small, and the burdens of care-giving have been lifted off my shoulders.  Am I lonely for my husband, yes.  But the man who I married and lived with for almost 48 years is not the same man I fell in love with.  The man I married was taken away by Alzheimer's.  It is a dreadful disease.  I still love my husband, I still get excited when I see him, I still love it when he holds my hand and hugs me, but it isn't normal, it's not the same.

My days come and go, sometimes I feel as though I have accomplished nothing, done nothing.  I can spend hours on the computer and then scold myself at the end of the day for not accomplishing anything useful.  I haven't found the balance, the normal to my days.  Don't you find when you work, as in have a job, that you are able to accomplish so much in so little time?  Maybe it's because you know you only have so much "free" time to balance all that needs to be done.   I don't need so much free time.  I need scheduling, I need accomplishments, I need balance.  A goal for the new year, finding that normal, placing balance back in my life, take control and decide on my own journey and follow that path to areas of untested capacity.  A new life, a new way of living, a new normal. 

I don't even think this is berries??  I thought berries on trees should be red, maybe they are searching for balance too. 

"Work out your own salvation.  Do not depend on others."  ~  Buddha

Until next time.....


  1. Ever since I stopped working, I have been lost too. My days used to be filled with lots of activities and I used to manage to get everything done. Now I have all day to the things that need to be done, but nothing gets done really... But I am working on re-scheduling my days.
    Bring on 2012 and a new attitude and direction.

  2. Beautiful words Deanna, sometimes I feel like just when things start to feel normal it all becomes unnormal again. But it looks like I see a tiny bit of red in the berries, maybe they're just thinking about it! Have a wonderful weekend!!

  3. "Normal" is over rated :). An "adventure" is so much more....adventurous! Seriously tho, my mom is going thru the EXACT same thing as you even as I type this. And I told her the same thing, when a window closes, a door opens so....walk thru it with gusto and announce "I have arrived!". My thoughts are with you my friend.


  4. Such a moving post, Deanna. I wonder often how you're getting through each day. I look at all your images, read all your posts, looking for a clue. Now I know what I suspected: it is hard. So with that, I just wanted to let you know that I hold you in my heart each and every day.


  5. You made me teary, but that's OK. I will give my hubby an extra hug when I see him tonight. I'm sending you {hugs} for brightening my days with your delightful photography skills. I am alone most of my day - I live quite a solitary life but I can hardly wait to get up in the morning to pursue all my passions; blogging, photography, reading, scrapbooking, crafts, cooking, decorating, housekeeping . . . and I think it's important stuff - you shouldn't scold yourself!

  6. Deanna, give yourself time and be kind to yourself. It's hard, I know.



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