Finding Normal Again

I am struggling with "normal".  Going through a change in life's patterns is disruptive, and then the task of finding "normal" again becomes a real challenge.  Without my husband or my Mom, who lived with us for the last 2 1/2 years of her life, around me daily, is not normal.  The normal that I had was not particularly pleasant a lot of the time.  The days that Gary would get angry and leave the house and I would follow closely behind him for fear he would not be able to find his way back home or when my Mom began to fall more and her trips to the hospital became more & more frequent, was not pleasant, but it was normal.  Being the care-giver was my normal.  And yes, I guess I miss that in some ways.  It gave my life purpose and meaning.  Now with both of them no longer with me, I am trying to find normal, purpose, balance.  Living alone for the first time ever in my life is not normal for me.  I will have to admit, that living alone is becoming a pleasant experience.  I am not afraid, I am comfortable in my home, it's really not too big, or too small, and the burdens of care-giving have been lifted off my shoulders.  Am I lonely for my husband, yes.  But the man who I married and lived with for almost 48 years is not the same man I fell in love with.  The man I married was taken away by Alzheimer's.  It is a dreadful disease.  I still love my husband, I still get excited when I see him, I still love it when he holds my hand and hugs me, but it isn't normal, it's not the same.

My days come and go, sometimes I feel as though I have accomplished nothing, done nothing.  I can spend hours on the computer and then scold myself at the end of the day for not accomplishing anything useful.  I haven't found the balance, the normal to my days.  Don't you find when you work, as in have a job, that you are able to accomplish so much in so little time?  Maybe it's because you know you only have so much "free" time to balance all that needs to be done.   I don't need so much free time.  I need scheduling, I need accomplishments, I need balance.  A goal for the new year, finding that normal, placing balance back in my life, take control and decide on my own journey and follow that path to areas of untested capacity.  A new life, a new way of living, a new normal. 

I don't even think this is normal.....orange berries??  I thought berries on trees should be red, maybe they are searching for balance too. 

"Work out your own salvation.  Do not depend on others."  ~  Buddha

Until next time.....